indignitas | noctium inbox

[ His mind drifts, back to the letter that was waiting for him the last time he was released from prison: Instead of cherishing our time together, I threw it all away. Rejected our bond. It had been a listing of regrets, Kiryu's apology for not standing beside him. The remedy prescribed was to spend time with the people you love before they're gone for good. Before you ruin what you have. ]

No.

[ He turns his head to look at the window, his frown slipping into an expression of genuine upset. What a terrible feeling he's been keeping tucked away. He knew it would be miserable wrenching this all open. But it could be worse. He could still be missing the rooted anchor of the emerald; the big tree that unifies the landscape of his gem. He is barbed with hurt but he reaches anyway, all scar tissue and heart breaks.

It was a more difficult month than he said that it was. ]

Good.

[ Shaxx reads that as permission. He stands and moves around the table so he can simply pull Daigo into his arms. Because for all that it's only been a year, it's still been a year, and he's glad to see the man.

Though he does take care since he's still wearing his armor.

He's as solid as ever, unmoving in affection no matter which way a particular amethyst breeze might blow. ]

[ There's no one like Shaxx to rely on in Tokyo. That's how he got like this, why it's so hard to just let himself be so openly distraught. But he's trying. Trying not to let the grim yakuza need to save face destroy something that he loves. He's not going to get another chance. When he goes back to Tokyo it will be as it always has been. There will be a target on his back and there will be thousands of eyes watching him for his strength.

He rests his forehead against a piece of armor, eyes lax. He's never let the armor bother him, he's always known that there is someone inside. ]

I missed you.

[ Maybe more to himself than to Shaxx, a little thing he didn't let himself align into a precise sentence before now. ]

[ Shaxx keeps one arm around Daigo, the other hand coming up to comb fingers lightly through his hair. There is part of him that still isn't over getting to play with someone's hair. ]

It's all right.

[ To have missed someone. To admit to it. To love someone and need them. To take what you can in the moments there are. ]

[ His hair is much cuter when it's been broken out of its styling, soft across his brow. That slicked back look is dated yakuza bullshit but he doesn't know what else to look like, so he keeps doing it. Letting someone muss it without complaint is a particular form of intimacy and he's relaxed under it.

There is probably one more thing he should do, if he's going to stand here and be vulnerable to how much Shaxx means to him. ]

I should introduce you to my other partner.

[ It was starting to creep in anyway. There was another house that he would sometimes mention offhand, somewhere else he sometimes needed to be for dinners. But never quite so clear on what that means. He doesn't talk about the people he sleeps with between each other, always a recipe for messy entanglements that would inconvenience him.

Neither Shaxx nor Waver are an inconvenience to him. The ways that he loves them are entirely separate but the fact of the matter remains.

God, Flat had called his ass out on it too. i was told that honest communication is an important part of an open relationship. He misses that kid, even if he was a menace to society. ]

[ That surprises Shaxx a bit; he's not averse in the slightest, but it's not something he ever expected to hear from Daigo. He hasn't been bothered by the man being less open about things than he is. Few people are, after all. ]

If you wish. It'd be my honor.

[ No promises about behaving himself, because he always behaves as himself, no more, no less. ]

[ He knows it's a surprise. He wasn't going to and he made a point not to. That was when he was very certain he wasn't foolish enough to fall in love with anyone, even here. Now there are two of them.

I-- know I can't be close with you and keep you at arm's length at the same time. He'd said that to Waver and it's time to take his own advice. ]

His name is Lord El-Melloi.

[ Daigo never uses that title, ever, but he's heard the man introduce himself that way. Daigo doesn't call for him much at all, choosing instead to take his hand or toy with the long stands of his hair. It's only in saying it that he really realizes that he's fallen in exclusively with other men in leadership. Something out of the question in Tokyo but it seems obvious now that being able to talk to others about the heavy sorrow he feels all the time has been sorely longed for. He has loved his clan dearly, but he can also see how it's been poisoning him with its secrets and silence. ]

We'll... invite you over to dinner one night.

[ He's surprised by the effort of this, how it leaves him feeling tired. He closes his eyes with a sigh. ]

Mmm. Warlord?

[ Because only Warlords and Iron Lords get that title in his estimation. It's a much older sort of law, a lack of civilization within him that's not so much hidden as simply never mentioned in casual conversation.

But it would greatly amuse him if Daigo's caught himself two Warlords. What a thought that is. ]

I'll look forward to it.

[ He rests his chin lightly on Daigo's head. ]

[ A huff of laughter. Not quite, not all the way wrong either. ]

No. I'll let him tell you about it.

[ Because it's Waver's to decide how much Shaxx should be told. The Mages are even more secretive than the yakuza, just as vicious and miserable. Daigo adores him. ]

Sorry it... took so long.

[ He met Waver first: Rag'nbogi when he needed be talked down from a face full of guilt powder, when he'd needed help managing his panic and despair when Mine was around. It's been the entire time. ]

I'm starting to see I'm not great at this.

[ He has always said he's not really cut out for katagi life. Not great at being anything but yakuza. ]

Have you heard me complain?

[ He supposes there's a 'being bad' at relationships, in the way that everyone turns out miserable. But there's not a single way to be 'good' at them. ]

You're doing fine.

[ Daigo has a niggling suspicion that none of the people involved really have the usual standards in the first place. Daigo being the only regular human in the bunch and far from living a domestic life. ]

Or you're a little biased in my favor.

[ Not a real complaint, humorous and breathy as he exhales. ]

Are you going to drink this tea?

Maybe.

[ He can't help but chuckle. ]

I also have different standards of normal.

[ Or more accurately, none at all. ]

Ah. Right.

[ He takes the hint and lets Daigo go, settling back down into his chair. Then he picks up his tea cup and tilts it to drink. Over the last year at home, he's unthinkingly reverted to his old habits, including eating and drinking while wearing his helmet. ]

[ Oh, how should he put this... He ruffles a hand back through his hair now that it's already mussed, going to collect the half-burnt down cigarette from the ashtray. He paces over to the window to open it and blow the smoke out there. ]

'Normal' would be something like... sneaking out past my own bodyguards, picking someone up at a bar, sleeping with them once, and then never seeing or hearing from them again.

[ He's gone against what feels safe to him. So he's kept it all into manageable little boxes that can be severed individually as required. His escape plans fully fleshed out. ]

Although I do suppose that's how I met Ogata. I was in hiding in his pent house for a few years.

[ So his longest relationship was only facilitated because the Omi were trying to assassinate him? Is this only working because Malachite has kidnapped all of them? He makes a soft noise of discontent. ]

Edited (word swap) 2022-01-01 07:45 (UTC)

Hmm.

[ The whole having to sneak past bodyguards thing is just not something he can imagine at all. ]

I understand being discreet. I don't find that worrisome or offensive. That does seem 'normal' to me.

[ Because he's famous in a stupid way. Because it's no one's business what he does, or with who. ]

Being more open here has been strange. But I don't dislike it.

[ Another faint noise. Right, right, the other thing... ]

I wouldn't need to sneak around if I was a womanizer.

[ A statement that always brings his biological father to mind: Sohei dead in his office chair after trying to rape Yumi Sawamura. He rubs the furrow in his brow with his thumb. He lacks the self-hate that can be induce on this issue. There is plenty of sex between the men of the yakuza. But not open relationships and women are still considered valuable symbols of status and property.

So he keeps it to sex and he keeps it out of sight. ]

I can be single or I can marry a woman. Or I can be ousted, I suppose.

[ His frown deepens. All that work just to be pushed out and for what? His personal needs? It's still a large drive not to pay attention to himself. There's no one around him in Tokyo with the confidence or drive to tell him to stop. No, it's a status quo that is enforced by the needs of the clan. Ever since Kiryu dragged him to the chair. He struggles with how to connect the pieces. ]

I know that it isn't like that here, it-- Just illuminates that it hurts.

[ And it's not so very strange to shy away from things that hurt. Especially when there's nothing to be really be done about it. That's the reality in Tokyo and that's where Malachite will return him. ]

[ Shaxx is aware of homophobia and misogyny as artifacts of a distant past, only truly seen in literary glances. (And considering how utterly gay some of his favorite pre-Golden Age poetry is... it's not even that obvious to him.) So what Daigo speaks of is more alien to him than the traditions of the Eliksni. ]

I don't have any way of parsing that sort of situation.

[ Because while Shaxx believes ferociously in his duty, there is also absolutely nothing in who he fucks or how he conducts his personal life that can interfere with that duty. What he sacrifices of himself is very different. He quite literally cannot imagine how being in that situation would work, partially because he's always been in a position where society cannot enforce its norms on him without facing dire consequences. ]

But it sounds difficult.

Though I think... it's normal to be willing to sacrifice your life for the good of your people. It's unreasonable to be expected to sacrifice your self as well.

[ Maybe that's the line. There are certain things that he knows it's not his duty to give. ]

[ He sits back with his hands spread in the windowsill. He is who he is because the clan needed it, because he didn't have what he needed when he was younger and he can't bear to make others experience the same where he can help it. Kiryu had left to preserve himself but had only been comfortable doing so because he'd put another sacrifice into the chair in his stead. The others around him get to protect their sense of self because he's there to be the stable core that allows for it.

It's lonely but it's only difficult some of the time. He's the Rokudaime and he'll do what needs to be done. Daigo be damned. ]

It is what it is.

[ Unreasonable or not. There's a reason he's so eminently functional in public and then so melancholy behind closed doors. Why close personal relationships dredge up sadness as often as elation; it's not something meant for him.

A drag from the dwindling cigarette in his fingertips. He wants to apologize that this is how he's greeted him but can't tolerate being reassured that it's fine. ]

I'll have something more pleasant to talk about next time.

[ Too late to do anything about this conversation, nothing to do but try again next time. ]

Is it?

[ Is it as inescapable as the war with the Darkness? Even that, they've been fighting against. Things aren't so inevitable, in his worldview.

He laughs. ]

I come here for you, not because I want someone to blow sunshine up my ass.

You're fine.

[ A sigh, looking amused but exasperated. ]

I don't enjoy it.

Is there a greater compliment, then to be the person trusted enough to witness pettiness and misery?

[ Half in jest, and half not. The number of people Shaxx himself is willing to be grim and unpleasant at is one that can be comfortably counted on one hand.

He pushes himself to his feet, lightly clapping his hands together. ]

Better take your mind off it then.

Edited 2022-01-07 23:09 (UTC)

I can think of a few.

[ He'd feel the same if it were anyone else opening up to him though, so he supposes he can either take the point or be a knowing hypocrite. ]

I probably have some time to redeem my position on the welcoming committee.

You can try those on me some other time.

[ And he moves over to stand nearer to Daigo, though he'll leave it up to Daigo to decide where he'd like things to go. ]

You have all the time you need.

[ A slow drag on the dwindling cigarette before he puts it out against the metal sill. He reaches for one of Shaxx's hands, fingertips curling lightly. He watches the contrast of their skin tones contemplatively. In Tokyo, Shaxx wouldn't be allowed anywhere near him. What exactly is the life he's been living? It keeps washing over him how little he wants to go back to it and that's unsettling. It's the only surety he's had for a long time. He scoffs at himself, chin dipping for a moment before he pulls himself up. His other hand reaches up to caress the side of Shaxx's helemt. ]

Do me a favor?

[ Take it off. He wouldn't ask if it wasn't terribly serious. ]

[ After a year of never taking his helmet off, it's a strange reminder that he had started doing that, here. That his helmet isn't actually just part of his skin. It's another strange struggle between the two years he's lived side by side, trying to sort between two selves.

So there is that hesitation, reminiscent of before, when he'd only just tried it as something new. But why not? He's done this before. No one's going to snipe him, here.

He reaches up to pull his helmet off, squinting at the strange view of the world with no HUD. ]

[ His head tilts patiently, touching flattened out curls with the tips of his fingers. He has to push up on his toes and pull down in the same motion. He presses a kiss on the Titan, open and soft. It's not the kind of gesture Daigo gives anyone, too much propriety, but he can think of people back in Japan that had deserved it. Tatsuo. Yoshitaka. Nick. Maybe even Ryuji if could have ever seen that fucking asshole again. Too bad half the list is dead. ]

Welcome home.

(no subject)

iamthecrucible - 2022-01-12 21:23 (UTC) - Expand

noctium inbox

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw: some homophobia and misogyny

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw: a lil touch of racism too, thanks yakuza

no subject

no subject

(no subject)