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[indignitas]

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cw: some homophobia and misogyny

[indignitas]

[ Another faint noise. Right, right, the other thing... ]

I wouldn't need to sneak around if I was a womanizer.

[ A statement that always brings his biological father to mind: Sohei dead in his office chair after trying to rape Yumi Sawamura. He rubs the furrow in his brow with his thumb. He lacks the self-hate that can be induce on this issue. There is plenty of sex between the men of the yakuza. But not open relationships and women are still considered valuable symbols of status and property.

So he keeps it to sex and he keeps it out of sight. ]

I can be single or I can marry a woman. Or I can be ousted, I suppose.

[ His frown deepens. All that work just to be pushed out and for what? His personal needs? It's still a large drive not to pay attention to himself. There's no one around him in Tokyo with the confidence or drive to tell him to stop. No, it's a status quo that is enforced by the needs of the clan. Ever since Kiryu dragged him to the chair. He struggles with how to connect the pieces. ]

I know that it isn't like that here, it-- Just illuminates that it hurts.

[ And it's not so very strange to shy away from things that hurt. Especially when there's nothing to be really be done about it. That's the reality in Tokyo and that's where Malachite will return him. ]

[iamthecrucible]

[ Shaxx is aware of homophobia and misogyny as artifacts of a distant past, only truly seen in literary glances. (And considering how utterly gay some of his favorite pre-Golden Age poetry is... it's not even that obvious to him.) So what Daigo speaks of is more alien to him than the traditions of the Eliksni. ]

I don't have any way of parsing that sort of situation.

[ Because while Shaxx believes ferociously in his duty, there is also absolutely nothing in who he fucks or how he conducts his personal life that can interfere with that duty. What he sacrifices of himself is very different. He quite literally cannot imagine how being in that situation would work, partially because he's always been in a position where society cannot enforce its norms on him without facing dire consequences. ]

But it sounds difficult.

Though I think... it's normal to be willing to sacrifice your life for the good of your people. It's unreasonable to be expected to sacrifice your self as well.

[ Maybe that's the line. There are certain things that he knows it's not his duty to give. ]

[indignitas]

[ He sits back with his hands spread in the windowsill. He is who he is because the clan needed it, because he didn't have what he needed when he was younger and he can't bear to make others experience the same where he can help it. Kiryu had left to preserve himself but had only been comfortable doing so because he'd put another sacrifice into the chair in his stead. The others around him get to protect their sense of self because he's there to be the stable core that allows for it.

It's lonely but it's only difficult some of the time. He's the Rokudaime and he'll do what needs to be done. Daigo be damned. ]

It is what it is.

[ Unreasonable or not. There's a reason he's so eminently functional in public and then so melancholy behind closed doors. Why close personal relationships dredge up sadness as often as elation; it's not something meant for him.

A drag from the dwindling cigarette in his fingertips. He wants to apologize that this is how he's greeted him but can't tolerate being reassured that it's fine. ]

I'll have something more pleasant to talk about next time.

[ Too late to do anything about this conversation, nothing to do but try again next time. ]

[iamthecrucible]

Is it?

[ Is it as inescapable as the war with the Darkness? Even that, they've been fighting against. Things aren't so inevitable, in his worldview.

He laughs. ]

I come here for you, not because I want someone to blow sunshine up my ass.

You're fine.

[indignitas]

[ A sigh, looking amused but exasperated. ]

I don't enjoy it.

[iamthecrucible]

Is there a greater compliment, then to be the person trusted enough to witness pettiness and misery?

[ Half in jest, and half not. The number of people Shaxx himself is willing to be grim and unpleasant at is one that can be comfortably counted on one hand.

He pushes himself to his feet, lightly clapping his hands together. ]

Better take your mind off it then.

[indignitas]

I can think of a few.

[ He'd feel the same if it were anyone else opening up to him though, so he supposes he can either take the point or be a knowing hypocrite. ]

I probably have some time to redeem my position on the welcoming committee.

[iamthecrucible]

You can try those on me some other time.

[ And he moves over to stand nearer to Daigo, though he'll leave it up to Daigo to decide where he'd like things to go. ]

You have all the time you need.

cw: a lil touch of racism too, thanks yakuza

[indignitas]

[ A slow drag on the dwindling cigarette before he puts it out against the metal sill. He reaches for one of Shaxx's hands, fingertips curling lightly. He watches the contrast of their skin tones contemplatively. In Tokyo, Shaxx wouldn't be allowed anywhere near him. What exactly is the life he's been living? It keeps washing over him how little he wants to go back to it and that's unsettling. It's the only surety he's had for a long time. He scoffs at himself, chin dipping for a moment before he pulls himself up. His other hand reaches up to caress the side of Shaxx's helemt. ]

Do me a favor?

[ Take it off. He wouldn't ask if it wasn't terribly serious. ]

[iamthecrucible]

[ After a year of never taking his helmet off, it's a strange reminder that he had started doing that, here. That his helmet isn't actually just part of his skin. It's another strange struggle between the two years he's lived side by side, trying to sort between two selves.

So there is that hesitation, reminiscent of before, when he'd only just tried it as something new. But why not? He's done this before. No one's going to snipe him, here.

He reaches up to pull his helmet off, squinting at the strange view of the world with no HUD. ]

[indignitas]

[ His head tilts patiently, touching flattened out curls with the tips of his fingers. He has to push up on his toes and pull down in the same motion. He presses a kiss on the Titan, open and soft. It's not the kind of gesture Daigo gives anyone, too much propriety, but he can think of people back in Japan that had deserved it. Tatsuo. Yoshitaka. Nick. Maybe even Ryuji if could have ever seen that fucking asshole again. Too bad half the list is dead. ]

Welcome home.

[iamthecrucible]

[ Shaxx goes willingly into that kiss once he realize that's what Daigo intends. One arm curls around the man's waist, helmet still dangling from his fingertips. He brushes the fingers of his other hand over Daigo's cheek, meeting softness with more softness.

Home. Strange to hear, but with this dual consciousness he's still trying to sort out, both places do feel like home. As a Titan, he belongs to the City, first and always. But he's begun to realize that as a man, he belongs to the people he's met and loved here.

And that's what lets him answer: ] It's good to be back.